E  wic 


UC-NRLF 


E7M 


CO 


GIFT  OF 


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Wise  Words 
of  Wee 

WILLIE  WICKHAM 

And  Other  Stuff 


By  F.  WEBER  BENTON 


This  is  Willie 


Cartoons  by  D.  Logan  and  F.  I.  Weatherbee 

Los  Angeles,    Cal. 

Semi-Tropic  Publishing  Co.,  Guilty 
1917 


Copyright  1917  F. 


Willie  Wickham 

His  Essay  on  the  Horse 

The  horse  is  a  grate  animule,  he  is  biggern  a  clwag  but 
not  as  big  az  a  elefunt  but  more  useful.  Pa  sez  a  mule 
is  bilt  sumthing  like  a  horse  but  is  different  in  uther  re- 
specks.  Thare  iz  several  kinds  uv  horsis  besides  the  ani- 


Sum  Horsis  ar  Awful  Lene 

mule  horse,  fur  instunce  thare  iz  the  saw-horse  and  the 
kloze-horse,  the  horse-pistel,  the  horse-chestnut,  the  hors- 
pital,  the  hobby-horse,  the  horse-fly,  and  the  horse-reddish. 
Thare  iz  a  difrrunce  buttwean  a  horse-reddish  and  a  red- 
dish horse  same  az  thare  is  a  difrrunce  buttwean  a  horse 
chesnut  and  a  chesnut  horse.  I  herd  a  man  say  to  an- 


35541 


4  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

other  men  onct,  "that's  a  horse  on  you"  but  I  cuddent 
see  no  horse  on  nobody ;  sum  people  sez  a  nite-mare  sum- 
times  gets  on  a  man's  stummick,  an'  he  kant  help  hisself, 
speshully  wen  he  haz  a  little  colt  in  hiz  hed,  which  makes 
him  hoarse. 

Horsis  ware  blankits  an'  shoes  but  no  other  kloze,  and 
thay  don't  kare  a  straw  what  thair  bed  iz  made  uv,  cause 
they  sleep  standing  up  and  kant  stand  layin'  down. 

Sum  horsis  are  awful  lene  but  sum  are  fat  an'  sum 
are  tew  fat  to  lene.  Pa  askt  me  onct  if  I  ever  saw  a  horse 
buck  but  I  guess  he  ment  a  saw  buck,  that  wood  be  more 
like  it. 

Hen  Slitzenburger,  de  guy  dat  lives  down  in  Clabber 
alley,  told  me  de  udder  day  dat  "10  men  kan  lede  a  horse 
tew  water  but  wun  kant  make  'im  drink."  Mebbee  he 
swoor  off;  ennyhow,  praps  he  thot  dat  waz  a  joak,  heze 
alwaze  kiddin' ;  den  agin  heze  alwaze  trunnin'  bookays 
at  hisself  an'  tellin'  about  de  swell  fokes  he  goze  wid, 
an'  de  nifty  skirts  he  haz  gott  on  de  string,  an'  about 
hiz  hi  livin',  but  I  found  out  about  hiz  hi  livin'  awl  rite. 
De  udder  day  he  kums  along  chewin'  a  toothpick  and 
smokin'  a  koffin  nail. 

"Swell  feed  I  jest  had,"  he  sez. 

"Whare?"  sez  I. 

"Down  to  the  Castoria,"  he  sez. 

"Aint  no  pie  dump  by  dat  name,"  sez  I. 

"Sure  iz,"  sez  he,  "an'  I  had  my  dinner  a  la  carte." 

I  didden  no  what  he  ment  by  a  la  carte  until  I  seen  'im 
las'  Chewsday  sittin'  on  a  stool  at  Jerky  Joe's  lunch  cart, 
in  frunt  uv  de  Astoria  hotel,  feedin*  hiz  fase.  I  had 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


'im  wid  de  goods  on  'im  dat  time.    When  I  lamps  'im  agin 
ile    tel — but    I'me    fergettin'    awl    about    de    horsis,    but 


LATlNJOfS 

LUNCH  WAGON 


Dining   a   la   Cart 


shucks,  dats  awl  I  no  about  horsis  ennyhow ;  nex'  weak 
ile  tel  u  about  de  dawg,  an'  believe  me  'itl  be  de  real  dope. 
Goo'  by, 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 

His  Tale  of  the  Dog 

WL,  dawgs  look  alike  2  mee 
— an'  thay  bight  alike. 
Sumboddy  sed  a  dawg's  a 
man's  best  friend.  Righto, 
speshully  when  yew  ar 
broke,  whereaz  a  man 
frend  or  a  woman  frend 
will  shake  yew  but  a  dawg 
won't,  praps  itt's  'cause  hee 
don't  no  de  ole  man's  up 
against  it  and  may  b  heed 
stick  ennyhow,  howsumevur  he  sticks  an'  thare  you  ar. 

Inn  wun  respeck  a  dawg's  like  a  woman,  the  moar  kew 
beet  'em  the  better  he  likes  yew. 

I  kame  neer  having  a  dawg  wunst.    I  askt  a  man  if  heed 
gi  mee  hiz  pupp  and  hee  sed  know. 

Hen  Slitzenburger  thinks  heze  awful  funny;  yesturclay 
he  sez,  lookin  wize,  "That's  wun  on  de  dawg." 
"Whaddja  mean,"  I  sez,"  "wun  on  de  dawg?" 
"A  flea,"  he  sez,  den  ducks,  ef  he  haddent  Ide  a  swat- 
ted him.  Hen  Slitzenburger  is  de  onnerist  kid  in  Clabber 
Alley — an'  dirty,  aint  no  name  fur  it ;  he  (loan  look  as 
tho  he  evur  had  a  wash.  Nex'  time  he  kumz  'round  I'm 
gonna  get  even  wid  de  simp.  I'm  gonna  say  "Hello 
Hen,"  an'  heel  say  "Hello."  Den  He  pretend  tew  bee 
frenly  like  an'  say,  keerless  like,  "I  heer  that's  wun  on 
u,  Hen."  Heel  look  surprized  an'  say:  "One  on  me? 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  7 

\Yaddja  mene,  wun  on  me  ?"  Den  He  giv  'im  the  wunst 
over,  He  laf  an'  say  "A  dirty  shirt."  Gee  but  heel  be 
soar. 


"We   Got   Ower  Pitchers   Took   Long   With   Jerkiz   Dawg" 


I  kame  neer   forgetthr   mi  promise  tew  tel  u  what  I 
no  about  de  dawg,  so  heer  goze : 

A  dawg  iz  cliff  runt  from  enny  udder  kind  uv  animule 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


l-v 

"He  Fleze  Frum  Flize" 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


9 


becoz  hez  bilt  diffrunt ;  heze  biggern  a  kat  but  not  az  big 
az  a  horse  ore  a  elefunt,  or  a  kow  or  sum  udder  kind  o' 
beests,  but  iz  mutch  kinder.  In  wun  respeck  he  iz  like 
a  kat — he  can  sleap  hiz  hed  off.  I  wunst  had  a  dawg. 
I  kald  'im  Glue  becoz  he  waz  stuck  up  more'n  must  udder 
dawgs.  Me  an'  Hen  waz  tawkin'  about  dawgs  wun  day 


Cur-tailed 


an'  Hen  sez :  "Say  Gink,"  (he  alwaze  kails  me  Gink,  I 
don't  no  why  but  he  duz),  "do  u  no  de  diffrunce  but- 
twean  a  dawg  an'  a  dude?" 

"Aim:  nun,"  sez  I,  not  thinkih'. 

"Shure  iz,"  sez  he. 

"What's  de  joak,"  sez  I. 


10 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


"Wun's  got  creases  in  hiz  pants,"  he  sez. 

Dats  de  best  thing  on  de  dawg  I  ever  herd  'cept  de 
flea,  but  it  was  a  slam  on  Fido  awl  rite. 

Did  u  ever  see  a  dawg  laf?  I  did,  2  ov  'em,  honest 
to  goodness  I  did — wunst.  I  waz  goin'  down  to  Dago 


"He  Laffs  Last   Who   Laffs   Best' ' 


Doozer's  dump  wun  day  an'  jest  az  I  kums  along  by 
Sloppy  Slough  I  saw  2  dawgs,  wun  wid  a  long  tale  an.' 
wun  wid  no  tale  whatsumever,  an'  de  long  taled  dawg 
waz  a  laffin'  at  de  dawg  widout  enny  tale,  but  de  verry 
next  next  day  I  saw  de  same  dawgs  but  de  no  tale  dawg 
was  laffin'  at  de  udder  dawg  becuz  he  had  a  tin  kan  tide  to 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  11 

hiz  tale,  wich  reminds  me  whare  it  sez  in  de  scriptures, 
"he  laffs  last  who  laffs  best." 

Jerky  Joe  haz  got  a  clawg  an'  itz  de  onerist  dawg  yu 
evur  seen.  Itz  a  long,  skinny  yaller  pupp  wid  black 
spotz  an'  a  hed  knot  mutch  biggern  itz  boddy...  Wun  day 
he  (Jerky  Joe)  an'  hiz  dawg  wuz  standin'  in  frunt  uv 
hiz  (Jerky  Joe'z )  lunch  kart  az  I  kumz  upp.  "Howddja 
likes  me  pupp?"  sez  Jerky,  "aint  it  sum  k  9?" 

"Cert,"  sez  I,  "itz  a  lalakapoozala,  only  I  doan  no  wat 
a  lalakapoozala  iz,  enny  how  I  sez,  "wad's  de  mattah  wid 
iz  tung  hangin'  out?" 

"Got  frost  bit  last  summur,"  sez  he,  "lickiir  de  ice 
kreme  pictur  offun  de  sine  on  de  frunt  dore." 

"\\addja  kalz  him?"  sez  I. 

"I  doan  kawls  'im  atawl,"  sez  he,  "he  jest  kumz  enny- 
how,  'speshully  wen  I  be  kookin'  ham  an'  aigs ;  he  likes 
ham  awl  rite." 

Jes  then  Dago  Doozer  an'  Hen  slitzenburger,  warein'  a 
hard  boiled  hat,  kumz  along  wid  a  fotygrafter  an'  wen 
dey  lamps  de  dawg  dey  makes  a  holler  tu  fotygraft  'im. 

"Awl  rite,"  sez  Jerky,  "An'  take  de  bunch  uv  us  2." 

Gee,  but  that  wuz  a  snap,  and  that's  how  we  got  ower 
pictur s  took  'long  wid  Jerkiz  dawg,  awl  fur  nuthin'." 

"Sum  dawg,"  sez  de  fortygrafter,"  no  flize  on  him." 

"Xaw,'  'sez  Jerky,  "he  fleze  frum  flize;  dey  aint  got 
nuthin'  on  'im." 

Thare  iz  az  menny  kinds  uv  dawgs  az  thare  is  men. 
only  diffrunt.  Thare  is  de  watch-dawg,  de  house-dawg, 
de  kerr-dawg,  de  pedygreed-dawg,  de  sooner-dawg,  (so- 
kald  becoz  he  kumz  sooner  when  he  iz  given  a  bone). 


12 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


the  rat-dawg,  the  lap-dawg,  &  sew  4th. 

That's  awl  I  no  about  dawgs,  dawggone  dawgs  enny- 
how,  sew  goo'by, 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


A  Specimen 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


13 


WILLIE   WICKHAM 

Elucidates  Concerning  the  Cat 


AWKIN'  'bout  katz  I  herd  that 
Jerky  Joe  traidid  hiz  bull  pupp 
fur  a  mezeley  HI  jet  black  mam- 
ma kitten ;  he  sez  it  doan  kost 
sew  mutch  tew  fede  kittenz  az 
it  duz  tew  fede  dawgs,  'sides 
dey  doan  take  up  sew  mutch 
room  in  hiz  kart.  Now  I  no 
why  he  kalled  hiz  dawg  "Phil 
Upp"  an'  why  heza  gonna  kail 
1  his  kat  "By,"  becoz  uv  its  per, 
but  that  isent  az  bad  az  the  man 
who  named  hiz  dawg  Curiosity 

jest  becoz  he  kilt  a  kat.  Jerky  waz  tellin'  me  an'  Doozer 
'bout  'iz  new  kit  de  udder  day  wen  erlong  kumz  Hen 
Slitzenburger  in  his  new  hard  boiled  hat.  "Wat's  de 
arugmint  Gink?"  sez  Hen,  addressin'  me;  "wat's  awl  de 
confab  erbout?" 

"O,  jes  tawking  'bout  katz  an'  dawgs,"  sez  I. 

"Katzen  dawgs?"  sez  he,  supprized  like,  "wat  kind  o' 
dawgs  iz  dem  ?  I  never  herd  uv  that  kind  b4." 

I  new  Hen  wuz  joakin'  sew  I  jes  givs  'im  the  wunst 
ovur.  "O,"  sez  I,  "That's  a  new  kind  o'  bull  terrier," 
sez  I,  an  he  sez,  "How  sew?"  Jerky  Joe  getz  wize  ter 
de  josh  an'  butts  in:  "Gwan,"  he  sez,  "needer  uv  youse 


14  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

noze  wat  yer  tawkin'  'bout,  ennyhow  nuf  ced  'bout  clawgs, 
katz  is  awl  to  de  mustard  now  roun'  deze  cliggins,  kum  in 
an'  see  By."  We  cudden  let  de  chance  gow  by  sew  me 
an'  Hen  an  Dago  Doozer  kralls  trew  de  hole  in  de  wall. 
De  place  wuz  so  HI  an'  low  that  Hen  bumpt  hiz  coco 
'gainst  a  bord  on  de  side  uv  de  wall.  "Look  out  fer  dc 
side  bord !"  hollers  Jerkey,  but  'e  wuz  tew  lait,  down 


Jerkiz  Kat 

kum  a  lot  uv  tin  panz.  Gee,  Jerkey  wuz  soar.  Ennyhow 
he  showed  us  de  kat  an'  bragged  'bout  itz  pedygree  an' 
itz  fine  points.  It  had  fine  points  awl  rite;  it  didden  seme 
ter  have  nuthin'  else. 

"Wy  doan  yer  kail  it  Napoleon?"  sez  Hen. 

"Wacldju  mene,  Napoleon?"  sez  Jerkey. 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  15 

"Becoz  he  haz  sew  menny  bony  parts,"  sez  Hen,  and 
ducks  jes  in  time  to  mis  a  durty  dish  rag  dat  Jerkey  trims 
at  'im. 

"Waddju  fedes  it  on?"  I  askt,  "der  aint  no  mice  an' 
ratz  'bout  here,"  sez  I. 

"Koarse  knot,"  sez  he,  "she"  (meaning  de  kat)  aint 
ol'  nuf  ter  ketchum,  what  she  likez  iz  milk  an'  fish  an' 
gravy." 


"He  Fit" 

"Good  gravy?"  sez  I. 

"Shure,"  sez  he,  "evury  thing  is  good  hear." 

"Awl  but  de  aigs,"  sez  Doozer,  not  fergettin'  de  aigs 
he  ordered  wun  day  -an'  got  choaked  on  de  fedders. 

"Well,  that's  awl  rite,"  sez  Jerkey,  "dey  wuz  good 
wunst,  but  what's  that  gotter  dew  wid  katz?" 

"Tawkin'  bout  Jerkiz  kat  reminds  me  I  promist  tu  tel 
wot  I  no  'bout  katz  but  I  dunno  az  He  have  time  now. 
its  sew  lait,  but  ennyhow  He  jes  giv  yu  a  few  fax. 


16 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


'A   Terrible   Racquet' 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


17 


Katz  is  a  domestick  animul  same  az  a  dawg  an'  a  horse 
an'  a  kow  but  wat  it  is  good  fur  I  doan  no.  De  dawg 
'keeps  burglers  away,  de  horse  works  an'  de  kow  givs 
milk  an'  butter — an'  sum  times  cheze,  but  a  kat  doan 
dew  nuthin'  but  ete  an'  slepe. 


He   Haz   Sew   Menny  Boney   Parts 


18  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

Thare  ar  sevrul  kinds  uv  katz  both  mail  and  f email. 
Sum  ar  mewzikul  an'  giv  konserts  in  de  back  yardz  uv 
nites.  Pa  wunst  had  a  big  kat  kald  Tomus  but  he  got 
mad  (pa  did)  wun  nite  an'  kald  it  Sir  E.  Nade.  Wun 
day  pa  aksts  me  wat  dey  kails  a  small  kat  in  England. 

"Serch  me,"  sez  I,  "I  dunno." 

"A  kitten,"  sez  he. 

I  thot  that  wuz  kitten  serious  an'  sed  sew,  ennyhow  Ide 
rather  hav  a  kitten  than  a  kat,  it  (the  kitten)  doan  liv 
sew  long — it  only  haz  wun  life  but  a  kat  haz  nine  lives. 

I  had  a  fite  wunst  becoz  I  sed  a  kat  had  nine  lives.  A 
kid  named  Mike  McGeary  sed  it  wuzent  sew.  I  sed  it 
wuz,  he  said  it  wuzent.  I  sed  it  wuz,  Den  he  sed  "yew 
lye."  I  cudden'  stan  fer  no  sich  back  tawk  sew  I  hit  im 
in  de  noze,  he  hit  back  but  mist  me  an'  I  fetched  'im  wun 
in  de  blinker  an'  b4  he  cud  tel  wher  he  wuz  at  I  did  'im 
up  good  an'  proper,,  you  ot  tew  sene  'im,  wun  I  wuz  shet 
tite,  hiz  noze  wuz  skind  an'  wun  of  his  eres  lookt  like 
a  pece  of  raw  beef  in  fly  time — an' — he  never  teched  me, 
but  he  fit  awl  rite. 

I  guess  he  felt  like  I  did  wunst  when  pa  lickt  me  with 
a  long  tennis  racket. 

"Aint  a  katt  got  9  lives?"  sez  I.  "Shure,"  sez  he,  "I 
allus  new  dey  had." 

Howsumevur  I  had  2  konvince  him  uv  de  fac,  which 
takes  me  back  2  whare  I  left  off,  say  in'  as  how  a  kat— 
but  shucks  thare  aint  much  moor  to  say  about  katz  so 
lie  kwit  fur  this  time,  so  long,  goo'  by. 

ures  trooley, 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


19 


WILLIE    WICKHAM 

On  the  Hog 

With  Pig  Pen  Sketches  by  D.  LOGAN 

T  wuz  my  intenshun  this  weak 
to  rite  a  essay  on  pollyticks 
but  Hen  Slitzenburger  switch- 
ed me  awf. 

"Everybucly  nose  'bout  pol- 
lyticks,". he  sez,  "aint  nuthin' 
nu  tew  tel  'bout  it ;  wad's  de 
mattur  wid  de  hawg?  'taint 
evurbuddy  as  noze  much  'bout 
that  meak  &  mutch  abuzecl 
animul." 

"Rite  yew  ar,"  sez  I,  sew 
hear  I  am  tew  satusfy  de  pub- 
lick  demand,  an'  wat  I  doan 
no  'bout  hawgs  ain't  wirth 
printin',  whareaz  pollyticks  iz 
a  most  disrepoutabul  subjick. 

Dago  Doozer  an'  me  wuz  tawkin'  'bout  "back  to  de 
farm"  de  udder  day  and  Dago  sez  dat's  de  place  fer 
him ;  he  sez  id's  de  mos'  'dependent  life  enny  wun  evur 
lived.  "Jes  tew  give  u  a  idee,"  he  sez,  "all  yew  got  tew 
do  iz  tew  put  sum  sede  in  de  groun'  'an  nacher  duz  de 
rest." 

"Whaddja  mene,"  says  I,  "doan  yew  hafter  work? 
Doan  yew  hafter  plow  ?" 

"Naw,"  sez  he,  "de  horsis  duz  dat,"  an'  den  he  goze 


A  Pig  Tale 


20  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

on  an'  telz  me  'bout  de  chickuns  and  kows  an'  hawgs  anr 
udder  animuls  on  de  farm  that  makes  de  livin'.  "Fur 
instunce,"  sez  he,  "wunst  a  day  yew  kollecks  de  aigs  an' 
twict  a  clay  yew  takes  milk  away  frum  de  kows,  an'  dere 
yew  iz — livin'  at  yew  eze." 

That  awl  souns  purty  gude  but  id  doan  gow  wid  me, 
wat  I  wants  tew  no  is  how  yewr  goin'  tew  git  de  chickuns 
an'  kows  an'  horsis  an'  hawgs.  Gee,  I  promist  tew  tell 
yew  'bout  hawgs,  an'  wat  I  doan  no  'bout  dem  aint  wurth 


A   Hawg's   Hed 


fergittin'.  In  de  1st  place  a  hawg  iz  noan  tew  be  de 
mos'  degraded  animul  that  evur  kum  out  uv  de  ark,  dey 
ar  sew  mene  that  dey  ar  offen  kompaired  wid  sum  men, 
but  in  wun  respeck  dey  ar  diffrunt  frum  a  man  becoz 
dey  only  haz  tew  (2)  tows  whareaz  a  man  haz  5  and  wat 
5  was  gude  4  gits  my  gote,  in  udder  werds  serch  me. 
De  bes'  ting  'bout  hawgs  iz  pig's  fete,  'spech fully  wen 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


21 


dey  ar  pickuled,  but  pa  sez  it  aint  perlite  ter  etc  'em  be4 
brekfust. 

Der  are  sevrull  kinds  uv  hawgs,  but  dey  awl  look  alike 
tew  me.  Amung  de  severull  diffrunt  kinds  uv  hawgs  iz 
de  razur  backt  hawg,  de  lene  hawg,  de  fat  hawg,  de  pork 
hawg  an'  de  pig.  Alos'  awl  hawgs  haz  4  legs,  but  not 
awl,  an'  wen  I  sez  that  I  aint  kastin'  no  insinuashuns. 

Thare  are  2  kindz  uv  piggs  tales,  de  Chinee  pigg  tale 


A  Nuther  Hawg's  Hed 


an'  de  hawg  pigg  tale,  and  thare  ar  2  kindz  ux  hawg- 
hedz,  wun  growz  on  de  pigg  an'  wun  is  maid  tew  hold 
terbacker  an'  udder  merchandize. 

Hen  Slitzenburger  noze  a  goodeel  'bout  hawgs ;  wun 
day  me  and  him  wuz  tawking  on  de  subjick  an  he  sez: 


22 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


"A  hawg  iz  powerful  strong — not  like  butter,  but  fizzisk- 
ully,  why,  Aleck  de  Grate  diddin'  no  wat  he  wuz  tawkin' 
erbout  wen  he  sed  de  'pen  iz  might'ur  den  de  soard,'  wy, 
de  pen  aint  in  it  wid  de  hawg  wen  it  kums  to  nockin'  de 
stuffins  out  uv  de  pen,  wy,  ter  day— 

"Whoa,  back  up,"  sez  I,  "that's  bad  grammur." 


rciBl»HilHlMiM«^ 


"Take  it  Frum  Me,  de  Pigg  iz  Mightyur  Dan   de  Pen" 

"Whaddja  mene,  bad  grammur?"  he  sez. 

"Shure,  bad  grammur,"  sez  I,  "diddin'  yew  say  'ter- 
day'?" 

"Yes,  ter  day,"  he  sez,  and  den  goze  on,  poetikul  like, 
an  sez,  "We  are  hear  tumorrow,  dere  yesterday  but  vere 
vas  we  ter  day?"  Oh,  yes,  I  waz  goin'  tew  prove  2  yew 
that  de  hawg  is  mightyur  dan  eeder  de  pen  or  de  soard, 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  23 

ter  day  I  saw  a  hawg  bust  a  pen  awl  tew  peces  an'  git 
away.  De  pen  mite  be  mightyur  dan  de  soard  but  it 
hain't  got  nuthin'  on  de  hawg.  Take  it  frum  me,  'de 
pigg  iz  mightyur  dan  de  pen'." 

I  no  lots  moar  'bout  hawgs,  but  doan'  like  tew  tel, 
awl  ive  got  to  say  in  dere  favur  iz  dat  dey  makes  good 
ham  an'  aigs. 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


24 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 

In  Polite  Society 

Chapter  I.  THE  CONQUEST 

OW !  I've  got  a  gurl,  never 
kared  fur  wun  b  4  but  this 
wun  is  sum  chickun,  onis.t 
shez  the  swellest  skirt  in 
Kerry  Patch.  I  never  seen 
hur  but  twyst,  the  1st  time 
wuz  when  I  wuz  gowing 
down  bye  Sloppy  Slough,  she 
wuz  settin'  on  de  bank  wid 
hur  bear  fete  in  de  watur 
an'  eatin'  a  big  pece  uv  bred 
an'  jam  an'  de  jam  wuz  awl 
ovur  hur  fase ;  awl  de  same, 
az  I  sed  be  4,  she  wuz  sum 
chickun. 

Wen   I  getz  klose  tu   hur 
she  seeze  me  just  as  I  seeze 

hur  an'  she  lafs.     I  doan  no  wat  she  lafs  at  but  b4  I  cud 
ask  hur  she  choaks  on  a  pece  of  de  bred  an'  if  I  haddent 
thumpt  hur  on  de  back  sheed  a  croakt. 
"Waddja  mene,  hittin'  a  gurl?"  she  sez. 
"That's  wat  a  gink  gets  fur  savin'  a  gurls  life  sez  I. 
Den  she  gigguls  an'  smiles,  frendly  like. 

I  sees  she  falls  fer  me  an'  I  sez.  "Ketchin'  fish  ?" 
"Nope,"  she  sez,  "jest  kleanin  up  fur  a  party." 
"But  u  kant  dance,"  sez  I. 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


25 


"I'm  learnin',"  she  sez,  "Mike  McGeary  is  learnin  me  tu 
tango." 

"Whare  iz  de  party?"  sez  I. 

"Down  tu  Aggie  Burke's  on  Sheephed  Bully  yard." 
she  sez. 

"U  mene  Bully  vard  doan  yew  ?"  I  askt. 


Awl  Dresst  Up — An  Down 


"Shure,"  she  replize,  "itz  de  swellist  strete  in  Kerry 
Patch,  dats  whare  I  live" 

"I  gess  He  kum  an'  sea  yew  sum  time,  huh  ?"  sez  I. 
"Shure,"  she  sez,  "kum  Sunday,  He  have  mi  shooze  on 
then."     Sew  I  makes  a  date  an'  de  next  Sunday  I  goze 
down  tew  her  shack  an'  shure  nuf  sheze  dare  awl  rite 
in  de  frunt  yard,  an  givs  me  de  glad  hand.     She  wuz 


26 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


"Jest  Cleanin'   Up   fur  a   Party" 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  27 

lookin'  purty  az  a  picktur,  awl  drest  up  in  a  spankin' 
klene  blue  and  yeller  kaliko  dress,  white  stockings  and 
pink  shooze;  nifty?  I  shude  say.  Well,  we  had  a  fine 
time  and  I  got  awl  tew  de  mustard  wid  her,  mi  but  sheze 
smart. 

"What's  dat  I  here  'bout  Harry  Thaw?"  she  sez,  "de 
papurs  say  heze  gotta  habeas  corpus." 

"Nuthin'  mutch,"  sez  I,  looking  wize,  "that  is  German 
for  I  have  a  corpse  consealed." 

"Dat's  wot  I  thunk"  she  seze  "but  what's  all  this  tawk 
'bout  rabbit  transit?" 

"Why'  'sez  I,  doan  yew  no  ?  that  aint  rabbit  transit,  itz 
rabid  transit,  meanin'  slow  trolley  car  service." 

"I  get  yew,"  she  sez,  "I've  bin  thare,  but  say,  I  fergot 
tew  ask  yer  name,  wot  iz  it?" 

"Willie  Wickham,"  sez  I. 

"Will  he  what?"  sez  she. 

"No  joakin,"  sez  I,  "but  watz  yer  name?" 

"My  name,"  she  sez,  "iz  Kittie  Kelley,  an'  I'm  leven 
years  old." 

"Kittie  Kelley,"  sez  I,  "U  an'  Mike  McGeary  aught  tew 
make  a  good  team,  but  say,  I  no  dat  kid,  me  an'  him  fit 
wunst,  an'  I  lickt  'im  proper." 

"Know  joakin  yourself,"  she  sez  an'  she  lafs,  sew  doo  I. 
Aftur  that  we  gits  purty  frendly  an'  I  invites  hur  to  chew 
wid  me  down  to  Jerkey  Joz  sum  day. 

"Jerkey  Joe?"  she  sez,  "that's  a  knew  wun  on  me." 

"Sawl  rite,"  sez  I,  "it  aint  a  kristal  palace  but  Jerkey  is 
a  kukoo  of  a  kook  jest  de  same."  Ennyhow  she  said  sheed 
take  a  chance  an'  made  a  date  wid  me  fur  tomorrer  after 
skule,  she  sed  she  new  sheed  have  a  good  time,  so  I'm 


28 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


gonna  wash  mi  fase  and  put  on  me  klene  speckled  shirt 
waste  an'  stand  Jerkey  off  fur  a  twenty-sent  feed,  Gee 
won't  Hen  Slitzenburger  be  soar  ?  Tawkhr  bout  hiz  din- 
ing a  la  kart,  nuthin  doin. 

Aftur  de  bankwit  He  tel  u  awle  'bout  it,  meantime  tra 
la  loo. 


The    Bankwit    a    la    Cart 


CHAP.  2;  WILUS  Do  WIN 

I  aint  mutch  uv  a  kick  her  but  dawggon  that  editur ; 
why  doz  he  put  "Chap"  tew  awl  mi  manyou  scrimps? 
Sawl  rite  tew  put  Chap  tew  sum  uv  them  but  wen  i'm 
tawkin  'bout  gurls  he  ot  tew  say  "Gal  wun"  or  "Gal  too." 
Ennyhow  the  day  uv  the  big  show  kums  'long  an'  Kit 
iz  rite  thare  on  the  job — an'  sum  uthers. 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


29 


Neckst  time  I  takes  a  skirt  out  fer  a  chew  itl  bee  a 
chillie  day  wen  I  givs  it  away  tew  annybuddy  b  4  hand. 
Sumhow  de  gang  gets  wize  tew  de  fede  I  give  tew  Kit 
(that's  Kittie  Kelley  but  I  cawls  her  Kit  fer  short  an'  she 
cawlz  me  Bill)  an'  dey  buts  inn.  Hen  Slitzenburger  givs 


Close-Up  of  Jerkey  Joe 


'em  de  tip  az  how  I  swypt  tree  uv  Maws  henz  and  soled 
'em  fer  tree  bux.  "Dats  'nuf  tew  fede  de  hole  bunch  uv 
us,"  sez  Dago  Doozer,  sew  he  gits  Hen  to  brace  me  fur 
a  bid. 

"Nuthin'  doin'  "  sez  I,  "Doze  ginks  haz  got  their  gawl, 
whaddja  thinks,  doz  yew  takes  me  fer  a  Rockyfeller  ?" 

"Well,"  sez  Hen,  "de  guys  are  good  frenz  uv  yourn  an' 


30 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


wood  stan'  treat  ef  dey  had  de  spon  as  you  haz  got.  Doan 
be  a  skin,  show  de  b'oys  youre  de  real  ting." 

"Sawl  rite,"  sez  I,  "but  may  bee  they'll  run  me  in  fer 
moren  my  pile." 

Well,  I  jes  wanted  to  show  dem  fellers  I  wuz  no  cheap 
skate,  fact  iz  I  alluz  waz  a  ded  game  sport  sew  I  telz  Hen 
tew  trot  'em  in. 


Close-Up    of    Dago   Doozer 

"Who  shall  I  invite?"  he  sez. 

"Jes  Dago  Doozer,  Jerkey  Joe,  Tomato  Tom  an'  yew" 
sez  I. 

"How  'bout  Tarantula  Tim?"  sez  Hen. 

"Nuthin  dooin'  "  sez  I,  "heza  bum,  nothiir  doom,'  sides 
thar's  6  uv  us  awl  redy  an' — lets  see,  2  bits  a  pece  make 
1  fifty  tew  the  bad,  not  counting  fer  extras  an'  tips." 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  31 

"Oh,  shucks!"  sez  Hen,  "Yew  ain't  suppozed  tew 
invite  Jerkey,  heel  be  glad  nuf  tew  have  yew  patroneyes 
his  dump." 

"Sew  be  it"  sez  I,  an'  sew  it  wuz.  I  had  de  time  uv 
my  life,  an'  say/yew  ot  to  seen  Kit,  it  wuz  a  picknick  fer 
hur  awl  rite  an'  I  sertanely  got  myself  awl  tew  de  mus- 
tard wid  hur — an  de  bunch?  well,  it  goze  witout  sayiiv 
dey  sertanely  put  themseves  on  de  outside  uv  everything 
Jerkey  pushed  out  tew  'em. 

"Giv  'em  sum  pi  "sez  I  tew  Jerkey  an'  de  slob  wuz 
gonna  dew  it,  when  I  winks." 

"Awl  out  uv  pi"  sez  Jerkey,  "how  'bout  bred  an'  jam?" 

"Great,"  hollers  Tomato  Tom. 

"Xuthin  better,"  sez  Dago. 

Den  I  winks  agen  and  Jerkey  sez,  "By  golly,  I'm  out 
uv  Jam  2." 

Sew  they  awl  has  to  be  satusfide  with  chilly  con  carnaye, 
chop  sewage,  hot  dog,  too  mollies,  spay  getty  an'  coffee.  It 
wuz  awl  purty  gude  but  de  coffey.  Tomato  Tom  sed  it 
wuz  strong  nuf  tew  work  but  Doozer  sed  it  had  nuthin'  on 
de  butter. 

"Kwit  yer  kickin"  sez  Kit,  "let  de  coffey  kick." 

"Shure,"  sez  Hen,  "de  coffeyz  got  gude  grounds  tew 
kick" 

"Well,"  sez  Tomato  Tom,  "that  settles  it,  if  coffeyz  awl 
de  strong  drink  we  gotta  swaller,  lets  drink  it  an'  have 
a  toast." 

"Hain't  got  no  toast,"  sez  Jerkey  "but  I  kin  make  sum." 

Den  we  awl  laffs  an'  Jerkey  gets  soar — he  doan  sea  de 
joak,  howsumevur  he  sez  if  annybuddy  doan  like  de  cof- 


32  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

fey  he  kin  hav  sum  milk,  so  I  orclurs  sum  but  I  clidden 
drink  it  fer  wen  I  wuzzent  lookin'  de  Kat  drunk  it  awl 
up.  I  new  it  wuz  de  kat  fer  its  bed  wuz  awl  white  wid 
milk. 

"Bout  that  time  de  bunch  got  tew  tawkin'  'bout  hi  life, 
Kapitul  an'  labur,  war  in  Mexico  an'  uthur  subjicks. 

"Do  you  think  de  greasers  kin  lick  our  sojers?"  sez 
Hen. 

"Naw,"  sez  Jerkey,  "dey  kan't  lick  a  spoon." 

"Sawl  rite,"  sez  Tomato  Tom,  "yew  ot  to  sea  'em  fite." 

"Fite  wat?"  sez  I,  "booze?"  but  he  doan  say  nuthin' 
moar  cawz  Jerkey  Joe  is  tellin'  how  John  Jacob  Astor 
kum  to  marry  a  purty  gurl. 

"De  way  it  happuned,"  sez  Jerkey,  "wuz  dis  way :  sum 
guy  wuz  courtin  de  gurl  but  waz  2  bashful  tew  propoze 
so  John  Jacob  Astor."  what  he  wuz  tawkin  'bout  nobuddy 
noze  sew  we  awl  givs  him  de  horse  laff  an'  de  gink  laffs 
tew.  He  wuz  sew  plezed  he  past  round  sum  tooth  picks 
an'  sed  he  wooden'  charge  fer  them. 

That  toothpick  bizness  wuz  a  hint  the  fede  wuz  ovur, 
ennyhow  we  awl  new  it  wuz  fer  there  wuz  nuthin'  left 
but  de  plates,  sew  we  awl  started  tew  go  wen  Jerkey  hol- 
lers "Whoa,  Bill !" 

"What  yew  want?"  sez  I. 

"De  dough,"  sez  he. 

"Its  in  your  bred,"  sez  I. 

"Cum  off,  cum  off,  you  make  me  cough,"  sez  he. 

"Den  cough  up  yerself,"  sez  I. 

"No  foolin,  Bill"  sez  he,  "here's  de  bill,  two  thoity." 

"Sawl  rite,"  sez  I,  "didden  I  cawl  this  fede  a  tin  roof?" 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  33 

"Sew  yew  did,  but  wat's  that  gotta  dew  with  the  din- 
nero?" 

"Wy,"  sez  I,  "that's  up  tew  yew.     I  said  a  tin  roof 
an'  that's  on  the  house/' 

Ures  trooley 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


34  WILLIE  WICKHAM 


WILLIE   WICKHAM 

cAn  Angler  Would  Be 

With  Hook  and  Line  Drawings  By  D.  LOGAN 

Tawin'  'bout  hi  life  an'  sportin,'  yew  ot  tew  seen  us  last 
Satiday.  Me  an'  Tomato  Tom  an'  Hen  Slitzenburger  an' 
Kit  awl  went  fishin'.  Tomato  Tom  took  us.  When  we 
wuz  gowin'  home  from  the  eats  at  Jerkey  Joez,  Tomato 
sez,  "Say,  kids,"  he  says,  "I'm  gowin'  fishin'  Satiday,  doan 
yew  want  tew  go?" 

"Sure,  Mike,"  sez  I. 

"Me  2,"  sez  Kit,  an'  Hen  putz  inn  hiz  oar  an'  sez,  "I'm 
in  on  that,  yew  bettcha." 

"Whare  yew  goin?"  sez  I. 

"Gess,"  sez  Tomato. 

"Sloppy  Slough?"  sez  Kit. 

"Naw,"  sez  Tom,  "I'm  gowing  to  Venice  an'  fish  in 
the  canal,  thare's  nuthin  but  tadpoles  in  Sloppy  Slough." 

"Sawl  rite,"  sez  Kit,  "I  cawt  a  turkel  thare  wunst." 

Ennyhow  we  awl  sed  weed  bee  reddy  at  ate  o'clock  Sat- 
iday mornin'  an'  meat  at  the  market  corner  uv  forth  an' 
fift,  an'  Tomato  wood  take  us  inn  his  vegitabul  waggin. 

"Doan  yew  fergit  to  bring  yer  lunch,'  'sez  Tom,  an'  yew 
bet  wee  diddent. 

Kit  came  nere  not  gowin',  her  Ma  sed  she  wuz  afrade 
sheed  get  drownded  but  when  I  told  hur  I'd  sea  that  she 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


35 


diddent  fall  in  the  see  she  sed,  "awl  rite,"  sew  she  went 
awl  rite. 

Yew  ot  tew  seen  the  bunch  uv  us  in  de  waggin,  Hen 
settin'  on  a  beer  keg,  Me  an'  Kit  in  de  bottom  wid  ower 
fete  hangin'  down  and  Tom  drivin'  the  cayuse,  an'  what 
a  lene  crowbait  it  wuz ;  it  didnt  have  nuthin'  on  Jerkiz 


It  Got  Away 


kat  thow.    Awl  the  same  we  got  thare  an'  went  tew  fishin' 
but  Hen  tawkt  sew  mutch  the  fish  wooden  bight. 

"Kwit  yer  gab,"  sez  Tomato,  but  I  didden  sea  why  he 
kared  coz  he  spent  most  of  hiz  time  with  a  bottle  he  brung 
'long  with  him  an'  aftur  awhile  Hen  fell  asleap  on  the 
bank  an'  fell  in  the  watur. 


36  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

"It  witzent  deap  howsumever,"  he  sez,  as  he  cr ailed  out, 
an'  I  wooden  care  if  I  hadden  got  wet/'  he  sez. 

Ennyhow  he  skairt  awl  the  fish  an'  the  only  bight  we 
got  wuz  what  we  brung  in  our  lunch  baskits  but  we  did- 
den  kare,  we  wuz  havin'  a  swell  time  awl  the  same.  Purty 
sune  we  got  tew  tawkin'.  Hen  started  it. 

"What's  awl  this  tawk  'bout  home  rool  ?"  he  sez. 

"Any  gink  ot  tew  no  that,"  sez  Tomato. 

"Bettcha  doan  no  yewrself,"  sez  Hen. 

"Shure  doz,"  sez  Tom. 

"Shoot,"  sez  Hen. 

"That's  when  yewr  Maw  gits  hur  Irish  up,"  he  sez,  "an' 
takes  the  yard  stick  tew  yew." 

"Gwan,"  sez  I,  "kwit  yer  kiclden.  What  I  wants  tew  no 
iz,  when  will  a  bumble  bee  ?"  Then  they  awl  looks  sober 
but  Tomato,  coz  he  can't. 

We  awl  seen  he  wuz  stewed  an'  sed  sew,  but  he  only 
lafs  an'  sez,  "Then  I  gess  I  must  bee  a  Tomato  stew." 
Then  we  laf  stew.  Jest  then  Kit  hollers,  "Halp!  Halp! 
I  got  a  bight,  halp,  it's  a  turkel. !" 

We  awl  run  tew  help  hur,  but  Tom  fell  over  his  foot  an 
diddent  get  thare ;  howsumever  Hen  an'  I  did  an'  when 
we  pulled  the  line  thare  wuz  nuthin'  on  it  but  the  hook, 
even  the  bate  wuz  gone,  sew  we  wuz  all  disgusted  an' 
opened  the  lunch  baskit  an'  got  the  onley  bight  we  had 
that  day.  Howsumever  we  cuddent  gow  home  without 
sum  fish  sew  we  bot  sum  at  the  meat  market. 

"Rap  up  2  fish  fer  each  uv  de  kids,"  sez  Tom,  "and  lie 
pay  fer  them,"  sew  we  awl  went  home  making'  out  az  tho 
we  had  gude  luck. 

"Wot  kind  are  they?"  sez  Maw  when  I  trim  'em  on  the 
tabul. 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  37 

"Serch  me!"  sez  I,  "dey  lookt  like  sammen  tew  me/' 
awl  de  while  noin  I  haddent  saw  'em. 

"Wow !"  she  sez,  openin'  de  papur,  "dey  must  bee 
smelt." 

"Whaddja  mene,  smelt?"  sez  I. 

"Wy,"  she  sez,  "thay  ar  dride  fish  an'  bin  ded  fer  ages." 

Sinsearly  tires 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  39 

WILLIE   WICKHAM 

Has  oAdventure 

W,    daggonit,    I'm    gonno 
kwit  goin  with  Hen  Slitz- 
enburger  if  hee  doan  kwit 
shootin'  sew  mutch  slang. 
B'leve  mee  heze  de  slangy- 
ist   gink  in   Kerry   Patch. 
Heze    got    sew    hee    kant 
tawk    mutch    else.     Wun 
day   wen    I   wuz   waukin' 
down  Wild  Cat  Chute  on 
de  uthur  cide  uv  Sloppy  Slough,  'long  kumz  Hen  whislin' 
"Henny  Whoze  Yer  Honey?" 
"Kut  it  out,"  sez  I. 
"Whaddja  mene,  kut  it  out,"  sez  he. 
"Cheze  it,"  sez  I. 
uDoan  yew  like  it?"  sez  he. 

"Nix,  nuthin'  doin',"  sez  I,  "an  watz  moar,  I  doan  like 
de  lingo  yer  shootin'  off  uv  lait." 

"Pu  shaw,"  he  sez,  "yew  aint  wize  tew  de  ded  lang- 
widgez,"  he  sez,  an'  then  he  goze  on  an'  sez  az  how  heze 
bin  goin  with  sum  of  the  gurlz  down  to  Mrs.  Sippy's 
Yung  ladiz  Cemetery  whare  they  lern  yew  the  ded  lang- 
widge  and  Irish. 

"Sawl  rite,"  sez  I,  "Tarantula  Timz  gottcha  skind  wen 
it  kumz  tew  ded  langwidgez,  he  noze  moar  exstinkt  wurds 
than  yew  evur  herd  uv." 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  41 

"Koarse,"  sed  Hen,  "hee  yewst  tew  bee  a  grave  diggur ; 
hee  told  me  that  meny  a  time  hee  yewst  tew  take  hiz  bottle 
in  the  grave  yard  an'  have  a  glide  time  with  the  spirits." 

"Y'aint  tawkin  tew  me,"  sez  I,  "know  spooks  in  mine." 

"Stay  on  de  wattur  waggon  den,"  sez  he. 

"You're  shoutin,"  sez  I  "butt  we  wuz  tawkin'  'bout 
slang.  I  doan  like  itt." 

"Youse  a  back  number,"  sez  he,  "ittz  all  de  gow  wid  de 
skirts  down  tew  Mrs.  Sippyz,  b'leve  mee  dey  ar  a  fly 
bunch,  aint  know  niftyur  kids  in  Kerry  Patch." 

"Doan  ketch  my  gurl  usin'  slang,"  sez  I,  "she  doan  like 
it  any  worse  than  I  dew.  In  the  2nd  place  I  nevur  lerned 
it  and  in  the  1st  place  I  nevur  cude  ketch  on." 

"Let  up  blowin'  bout  you're  gurl,"  sez  he,  "kwit  yer 
kiddin',  I'm  sleapy,  wuz  up  lait  las'  nite,  mee  fur  the  hay, 
sew  ovur  the  rivur." 

An'  hee  goze  home  sew  I  starts  to  gow  tew  wen  I  seez 
2  men  down  bye  Sloppy  Slough  an'  wen  I  kumz  upp  tew 
them  one  uv  them — a  little  feller  sez  to  the  big  wun,  "I 
bet  yew  4  bits  I  kin  trow  yew  acrost  de  slough." 

"I  take  de  bet,"  sed  de  big  duffer,  "here,  hold  de  steaks, 
kid,"  he  sez  tew  me,  sew  dey  eech  puts  a  half  in  my  mitt. 
Den  de  skinny  guy  grabz  de  fat  moak  an'  trims  him  in  de 
slough  an'  neerlie  drownded  him. 

"Dawggonit,"  yelz  de  pussy  boob,  crallin'  out  uv  de 
muddie  wattur  an'  sputterin'  like  a  whale,  "I  new  yer 
cudden  dew  itt.  Hear,  kid,  gimme  de  steaks." 

"Not  on  yer  tin  type,"  sez  Skinny. 

"O,  I  gess  yes,"  sez  Fatty,  "yew  lost,  awl  rite." 

"Knot  yet,"  sez  the  tiny  tad,  laffin'. 

"Whaddja  mean,  knot  yet?"  hollered  de  heavy  wait. 

"Wy,"  sez  the  slim  jim,  "I  didclen'  say  I  cude  dew  itt 
the  1st  time." 


42  WILLIE  WICKHAM 


The  (jreen  Eyed  Monster 

CHAP.  THE  TOOTH. 

I  gotta  grouch,  leastwize,  I  did  have,  but  sawl  rite  now. 
The  uther  day  I  wuz  kummin'  down  Tango  Terrace  an' 
who  shouldi  see  but  Kit  wauking  long  wid  Mike  McGeary. 
She  seen  me  kummin  an'  ternd  pail,  but  I  wuz  soar  an' 
didden'  let  on  az  I  seen  hur  but  tangode  along  like  I  did- 
den'  no  dey  wuz  on  erth.  But  I  wuz  soar  awl  rite  'cause 
she  is  my  steddy  (ennyhow  she  sed  she  wuz  on  de  way 
home  de  day  we  had  ower  feed  at  Jerkey  Joez),  and  tew 
think  uv  her  goin'  wid  anuther  gink,  'spshually  that  onery 
Mike  McGeary.  Koarse  I  wuz  sour  an'  maid  upp  mi  mind 
to  give  her  de  shake  an'  Id  a  dun  itt  butt  de  nex'  day  me 
an'  Hen  wuz  shashayin'  down  Persimmon  Place  wen  I 
heres  sum  wun  pipin'  me  name  behind  me.  I  new  hur 
vois  inn  a  minnit — maybe  less,  an'  wen  I  ternz  'roun  shez 
rite  on  hi  healz. 

"Say  Bill,"  she  sez,  jist  as  tho  nuthin'  had  happund, 
"kum  an'  play." 

"I'm  bizzy,"  sez  I,  sort  a  kool  like. 

"Naw  yew  aint,  kum  on,"  sez  she. 

"Wy  doan  yew  get  yer  fren  Mike  McGeary?"  sez  I. 

"He  aint  mi  fren,"  sez  she. 

"Bidden  I  seen  yew  shashayin'  down  Tango  Terrace 
wid  him  yesterday?"  sez  I. 

"Mebbe  yew  did,"  she  sed,  "but  I  cudden  help  it,  he 
cumz  upp  tew  me  an'  wawks  about  2  blocks  wen  I  ditched 
him  at  Sandy  Samz  butcher  shop,  corner  uv  4th  and  5th 
Street." 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


43 


"Shure?"  sez  I. 

"Onist  tew  goodnis,"  she  sez. 

"\Yell,  that  settled  itt,  like  Tomato  Tom  settled  the  cof- 


"I've  Lost  Awl  Mi   Money" 

fey  down  to  Jerkiz.  Sew  me  an'  hur  an'  Hen  went  down 
tew  Sloppy  Slough  an'  set  on  de  bank  awl  de  afturnune 
an'  made  up  awl  rite.  Hen  got  fresh  in  de  meantime  an' 
gotta  chewin'  de  rag. 

"Wy  doan  yew  2  spoonz  gow  down  tew  de  plaza  an' 
spoon?"  he  sez. 


44  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

"Doan  git  gay,"  sez  I,  "the  first  thing  yew  no  yew  won't 
no  nuthin." 

"Well,  I  gess  I'm  smartern  yew,"  he  sez. 

"I  don't  think,"  sez  I,  "if  yew  ar  yew  mussed  hav  had  a 
rush  uv  brains  tew  yer  hed." 

That  wuz  a  corker,  sew  hee  bottled  up  an'  kwit  the 
game.  I  never  seen  'im  wawk  sew  fast  b  4.  Kit  nearlie 
had  a  fit. 

"Glad  heez  gone,"  she  sez,  "lets  take  a  wawk." 

"Shure,"  sez  I,  "lets  gow  down  bye  the  sirkus;  itz  tew 
lait  tew  gow  inn  butt  we  kin  rubber  'roun  the  grounds." 

Sew  down  we  goze  an'  looks  at  awl  the  pitchurz  on  the 
side  shows  but  purty  sune  we  kumz  tew  a  lunch  stand  an' 
Kit  lamps  a  pile  of  sanwitchez.  "Gee,  but  dem  looks 
gude,"  she  sez. 

Well  Im  know  cheep  guy,  az  I  sed  b  4  an'  wen  I  takes  a 
gurl  out  for  a  gude  time  Im  gonna  gow  de  limick.  "Shure, 
giv  de  yung  ladie  a  sanwich,"  sez  I  tew  his  nibs  behind 
de  counter,  an'  he  done  it,  an'  awl  de  while  I  new  I  didden 
have  a  sent  but  I  werkt  de  hole-in-de-pockit  rackit  an'  it 
went,  in  uther  werds  it  got  bye.  While  Kit  wuz  gitten 
on  de  outside  uv  de  ham  an'  bred  I  wuz  serchin'  awl  mi 
pockits  an'  bi  de  time  she  had  finisht  'bout  half  uv  it  I 
pulled  out  mi  pockit  with  the  whole  inn  itt.  "Good 
grashus,"  I  sed,  "Ive  lost  awl  mi  money." 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


AND   OTHER  .STUFF 


45 


WILLIE   WICKHAM 

oAs  a  Dramatic  Cretic 

With  Snap  Shots  By  D.    Logan  and  F.  I.  Weatherbec 

Grate  show  I  seen  de  uther  nite  down  to  Kerry  Patch 
town  haul.  Me  an'  Kit  went  an'  diddent  git  home  til  lait. 
Diddent  kost  me  nuthin  neethur.  Tomato  Tom  hot  2 
pastebords  an'  invited  hiz  gurl  but  she  trim  him  down  sew 


he  cudden  gow,  an'  he  gimme  de  tickits.  It  wuz  a  ama- 
toor  show  but  wuz  some  show  all  rite.  Dey  kald  it  "In 
Gow  Ma,  the  Bare  Bariun."  Wot  that  menes  I  doan  no 
but  it  wuz  awl  rite,  awl  rite. 

Inn  de  furst  ack  dere  wuz  a  big  guy  wid  wiskers  an' 
long  hare  hangin'  down  hiz  back  an'  he  didden  have  no 


46 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


cloze  but  skinz  uv  wild  anymulz,  and  he  wuz  de  king  uv 
a  bunch  uv  uther  guys  like  him  only  diffrunt,  but  dey  looks 
like  men  and  tawks  like  men  an'  dey  wuz  men  only  dey 
wore  skinz  like  de  big  gink  only  diffrunt  kindz.  Wun 


'Tomatoe   Tom   Gimme   de   Tickits 


AND  OTHER  STUFF 


47 


"She   Sitz   Down   on   de   Bear   Ground   at   His   Feat" 


48  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

had  a  sheep  skin,  anuther  had  a  wolf  skin,  anuther  had  a 
fox  skin,  anuther  had  a  bare  skin,  an'  so  on — an'  off. 

Well,  dey  wuz  chewin'  de  rag  'bout  dividin'  de  swag, 
coz  dew  wuz  robbers,  kinda  like  grafters  yew  no,  an'  dey 
had  made  a  hawl  dat  dey,  ennyhow  dey  had  took  a  priz- 
ner,  a  old  man,  an'  de  gang  wanted  tew  hav  him  fer  dere 
share  sew  dey  cud  git  a  ransum  on  'im  butt  de  king-bee 
buckt  an'  sed,  "Ney  Pauline,  yew  take  de  gold  an'  leve  his 
job  lots  tew  me,  heze  a  old  duffer  an'  I  aint  goin'  tew 
see  no  harm  kum  tew  him."  Sew  itt  had  tew  gow  at  that 
az  de  big  brute  alluz  had  hiz  way.  Well,  purty  sune  a 
swell  dame  shashays  on  de  seen,  an'  bleve  me  she  wuz 
sum  chickun.  She  wuzn't  skeered  a  bitt  butt  steps  rite 
out  uv  de  bushes  an'  breaks  fer  de  boss. 

"Aha!"  cries  his  ginkshipp,  "what  have  we  hear? 
Hither,  pritty  wun,  I  woodst  converse  with  thee,"  an'  she 
kame,  butt  de  gang  buttz  inn  an'  sez  az  how  she  b'longs 
tew  them  butt  de  hi  monkey  monk  kant  sea  itt  that  weigh 
an'  sez  sew,  den  he  shoos  'em  away  an'  he  findz  himself 
a  loan  wid  de  baby.  Furst  rattle  outen  de  box  he  trize  tew 
git  gay,  but  shez  know  flurt  and  she  givz  him  the  wunst 
ovur,  she  telz  him  that  his  old  man  prizner  iz  her  own 
father  an'  that  she  kumz  tew  bee  a  slave  in  hiz  place  if 
he  will  let  de  ole  man  mozey.  De  gink  lafs  at  furst  an' 
tinks  itz  a  joak  but  after  while  he  changez  his  mind  coz 
he  seeze  de  kid  is  a  innisent  kid  an'  she  gits  his  gote — he 
goze  klene  daffey  over  hur — ded  in  luv  and  putty  sune 
insted  uv  bossin'  her  shez  bossin'  him  butt  he  duzzent  no 
itt,  an'  if  he  did  he  didden  kare,  coz  he  liked  it.  In  wun 
part  uv  de  ack  he  sez  tew  de  gurl,  "Kum  hear,"  gruff  like, 
butt  de  gurl  givz  hur  hed  a  sassy  shake  an'  sez,  "I  gow 
tew  the  spring  tew  klenze  de  kups." 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


49 


/      , 


He  Carriz   de  Lil   Lunch   Baskit 


50  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

I  doan  no  what  she  meat  bye  ''klenze"  butt  she  sed  itt. 
At  furst  he  felt  like  gittin  mad  az  he  wuzn't  used  tew 
bein'  tawked  back  tew,  butt  itt  wuz  such  a  good  joak  he 
cuddent  help  butt  laf.  Well,  wen  she  kumz  back  she 
bringz  a  bunch  uv  wild  flours  an'  green  stuf  an'  sitz  down 
on  de  bear  ground'  att  hiz  feat  an'  makes  a  reath,  awl  de 
time  tawkin  tew  him  jist  as  she  wood  tawk  tew  her  littul 
brudder  att  home,  an'  de  moar  she  tawks  an'  smilz  de 
moar  nutty  he  gits  'bout  hur,  but  wen  she  goze  tew  put 
de  reath  on  hiz  hed  he  bucks.  "Nix,"  he  sez,  "dem  tings 
ar  fur  gurlz,  knot  men,"  but  she  sez  she  wants  him  to 
ware  itt,  sew  he  doze,  an'  knot  only  thatt  butt  he  jist  doze 
whatevur  she  telz  him  tew  dew.  De  funnyist  part  iz 
whare  she  telz  him  about  luv.  He  didden  savvey  it  at 
furst  but  sune  got  neckst.  An'  wen  she  eksplaned  and 
sed,  "2  soles  with  butt  a  singul  thot  2  hartz  that  beet  az 
wun,"  he  neerley  had  a  fit  an'  wantz  tew  hug  de  gurl, 
but  dassent. 

Ennyhow  he  letz  her  ole  man  gow  an'  she  stays  tew 
bee  hiz  slave,  butt  b'leve  mee  she  doan  slave  enny  butt 
haz  a  ezy  time.  One  day  howsumever  hiz  pirates  gits 
soar  coz  he  spends  awl  his  time  wid  de  gurl,  whoze  name 
iz  Parthenia,  insted  of  gowin  on  de  war  path  an'  robbin' 
de  rich,  an'  dey  telz  him  sew,  but  he  shude  worry,  heze 
ded  gone  inn  luv  wid  Parthenia  an'  she  acks  like  she  likes 
de  moak  allsew  wid  awl  hiz  long  hare  an'  whiskurs.  En- 
nyhow de  gurl  begz  him  tew  kwit  his  wickud  life  an'  gow 
wid  hur  to  the  sity  whare  she  livs,  butt  he  sez  if  he  doze 
they  will  soak  him  thare  coz  he  has  robbed  sew  meny  uv 
their  peepul,  but  she  telz  him  she  will  git  him  pardoned, 
sew  he  kwitz  de  gang  an'  goze  wid  de  gurl,  meak  az  a  lam. 
She  makes  him  carry  de  HI  baskit  uv  lunch  an'  she  carriz 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  51 

de  spear  an'  helmit  an'  shield.  An'  what  dew  yew  think? 
Wen  dey  gitz  tew  de  sity  she  makes  him  cut  hiz  hare, 
shave  hiz  whiskurs  an'  ware  reel  cloze,  butt  de  wurst  uv 
itt  wuz  she  made  him  wurk,  shure,  an'  she  made  a  black- 
smith outten  him,  an'  de  king  let  'em  git  married  an'  guv 
'em  landz  an'  money,  an'  wot  dew  yew  think  he  doze  now  ? 
He  votes  fer  wimmin. 

ures  trooley, 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


52 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


WILLIE   WICKHAM 

At  the  Circus 

HAT  wuz  a  swel  show  me  an'  Kit 
seen  down  to  Kerry  Patch  Town 
Haul  the  uther  nite  butt  itt  wuz- 
zent  inn  itt  with  the  sirkus  we 
seen  the  necks  day.  Gee,  butt  we 
are  gowin  sum,  bleve  me,  a  show 
wun  nite  an'  a  sirkus  necks  day. 
The  funnyist  thing  'bout  itt  tho  iz 
that  itt  doan  kost  me  nuthin.  This 
time  Pasadena  Pete  giv  the  paste- 

bords  and  didden  no  itt.    "Hellow  Kid,"  he  sez,  az  I  wuz 
kumin  down  Celery  Strete  the  uther  morning,  "Want  tew 
make  ten  cents  ?" 
"Yew  no  itt,"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  "take  this  packidge  over  tew  Miss 
Hamphatt,  28  Sleapie  Hollow,  an'  when  yew  gitz  back 
He  pay  yew." 

Sew  I  done  itt  an'  when  he  givs  me  2  nickules  hee  awl 
sew  givs  me  2  tickits.  "They  ar  cigar  kupons,"  he  sez, 
"I  ain't  savin'  'em,  they  ar'  good  fer  a  prize." 

I  wuz  gonna  trun  'em  away  when  I  seen  thay  wuz  sir- 
kus tickits.  "Golly!!"  I  sez,  "Pasadena  cuddent  reed  an' 
took  'em  fer  cigar  kupons.  Gee,  but  heel  bee  soar  when 
he  finds  out.  Ennyhow  I  goze  tew  hunt  upp  Kit  an'  ask 
hur  tew  gow  but  jest  az  I  wuz  passing  Jerkey  Joez  lunch 
waggin  I  seen  the  hole  bunch  of  the  bums  dining  a  la 
cart  with  Hen  Slitzenburger.  "Kum  on,  Bill,"  he  sez, 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


53 


lamping  me,  "chew  wid  us,  mi  treat,  shanke  hands  wid 
me  frens  Tenderloin  Top  and  Irksome  Ike,  jest  from  mi 
ole  home,  Cantata,  Can." 

Coarse  I  cudden  refuse  but  wonders  where  the  gink 
got  the  kale  tew  sett  'em  upp  but  I  guest  whare  when  I 
herd  that  tree  uv  his  muthers'  peekin  dux  wuz  missing. 


"Wun  Road  a  Horse  Bear-back    (the  Horsiz) 


Ennyhow  I  fedes  mi  fase  att  his  expence  an'  sez  nuthin'. 
Besides  Hen  an'  the  2  moaks  he  introduces  me  tew,  thare 
wuz  Tomato  Tom  and  Tarantula  Tim,  awl  sew  Jerkey  and 
the  Kat.  And  after  while  long  kums  Dago  Boozer.  We 
had  a  good  fede  awl  rite,  an'  a  good  eel  uv  fun. 

Jerkey  sez  tew   Hen  "Yew  likes  tew  dine  a  la  kart, 
don't  yew,  Hen?    Where  do  yew  dine  Sunday? 


54 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


"Nowhere,"  sez  Hen,  thinking  heze  gonna  git  a  invite, 
"nowhere,"  he  sez. 

"Too  bad,"  sez  Jerkey,  "Ide  hate  tew  fede  yew  Mon- 
day."   An'  he  never  crakt  a  smile,  butt  the  uther  guys  awl 


"The  Serious  Kronic  Singer  Flurts  With  a  Old  Johnny  inn  the  Box* 


givs  him  the  merry  ha,  ha.  An'  purty  sune  Hen  gits  tew 
braggin'  'bout  hisself  an'  how  heze  a  ded  game  sport, 
an'  spends  the  lucre.  "I  got  itt  tew,"  he  sez.  Then  he 
rattuls  sumthing  inn  hiz  pockit  an'  sez  "Money  talks." 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


55 


The  Life  of  the   Show 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  57 

"Yes,  it  says  'good  bye'  tew  yew,"  sez  I.  Then  they 
awl  lafs  agen. 

When  I  telz  'em  how  I  putz  wun  over  on  Pasadena 
Pete  'bout  the  tickits,  Irksome  Ike  sez,  "B'gosh,  sirkus 
in  town?  Whare?" 

''Down  on  Pan  Cake  Patch,  bye  Greazer  Gultch,"  sez  I. 

"Let's  awl  gow,"  sez  he.  "lie  shake  the  dice  tew  see 
hoo  will  pay,"  he  sez  agen.  An'  hee  had  tew  pay  awl 
rite,  coz  Jerkey  sprung  the  loaded  dice  on  him,  butt  he 
didden  no  itt.  Enny  how  they  awl  tagged  after  me  an' 
Kit,  an'  who  shod  we  sea  when  we  gits  there  but  Mike 
McGeary  wid  his  new  gurl  Nanny  Nokomis.  Kit  seen 
him  but  givs  him  the  stony  stare,  an'  he  doan  say  nuthin. 

Grate  sirkus,  awl  rite,  diffrunt  from  enny  I  ever  seen 
b4.  Thare  wuz  a  reel  stage  an'  reel  ackting  after  the 
ring  show,  a  grate  deel  more  reel  than  the  movies,  an' 
reely  good.  Kit  neerly  had  a  fit  when  2  koons  kum  on 
an'  got  off  sum  funny  bizness.  One  sez  to  the  uther, 
"hoo  wuz  that  lady  I  seen  you  in  swimmin  with  the  uther 
day  ?"  An'  de  uther  guy,  insulted  like  sez :  "That  wuz  no 
lady,  that  wuz  mi  wife."  Coarse  Kit  thot  that  had  just 
been  hatcht  coz  she  haddent  lived  b4  the  war,  ennyhow 
she  got  my  money's  worth.  Then  there  wuz  a  dutchman 
kumz  out  an'  he  sez  a  grate  many  foolish  things.  "Hoo 
am  I?"  sez  he,  "I  bet  me  I  no  who  am  I,  aint  it?"  an' 
then  he  scraps  with  anuthur  slob  an'  sez :  "Go  on  out  an' 
put  me  out,"  or  in,  I  forgit  which,  but  the  funnyist  thing 
wuz  whare  a  serious  chronic  singer  gurl  kumz  on  the 
stage  an'  flurts  with  a  old  Jonny  boy  in  the  box  till  he  gitz 
soar  an'  sneaks  out. 

The  ring  acks  wuz  awl  purty  good,  an'  the  clown  wuz 


58  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

a  cuckoo,  an'  the  skurtz  wuz  awl  tew  the  mustard.  Wy 
thay  calls  'em  skirts  I  doan  sea  coz  I  doan  sea  enny  on 
'em,  gess  thay  doan  kneed  enny  for  the  leg  itimate  drama. 


"Wun  uv  the  Skurts 


Wun  road  a  horse  bear  back  (the  horse's)  an'  showed  her 
skill — I  think  that's  what  they  kald  itt. 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  59 

Awl  the  while  we  wuz  seaing  the  show  we  wuz  gitin 
on  the  outside  ttv  peanuts,  popcorn  and  juju  paste  that 
Irksome  Ike  brung  'long  with  him  tew  treet  the  bunch, 
an'  after  the  show  Dago  Doozer  took  us  home  inn  hiz 
waggin.  Grate  time  we  had,  b'leve  me.  But  the  funnyist 
thing  uv  the  hull  show  wus  when  we  kumz  out,  there 
wuz  Pasadena  Pete  an'  his  gurl,  maddern  a  March  hair 
coz  thay  cuddent  git  inn  the  sirkus,  the  tickit  taker  sed 
nobuddy  cuddent  run  no  cigar  kupons  in  on  him  fir  sir- 
kus tickits?"  ures  trooley  WILLIE  W1CKHAM. 


60 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


WILLIE   WICKHAM 

As  an  Art  Critic{ 

AWKIN'  'bout  hi  life  me  an'  the 
bunch  seen  sum  uv  it  last 
Chewsday  nite  clown  tew  the 
art  galleries  in  Kerry  Patch.  I 
wuz  wanking  down  Tango  Ter- 
race Chewsday  4nune  wen 
long  kumz  Pasadena  Pete  and 
he  sez  heze  gotta  invitashun  to 
bring  hiz  frenz  tew  the  grand 
opening  uv  the  Art  Gallerie 
that  nite  and  asks  me  tew  gow. 
"I  wuz  purty  soar  the  uther 
day,"  he  says,  "when  I  found 
out  I  givz  yew  the  sirkus  tick- 
its  insted  uv  the  sigar  kupons, 
but  sawl  rite  now,  itt  wuzzent 
yewr  fait,  sew  kum  long  an' 
bring  Kit.' 
"I  except  the  invitashun  tew  the  opening,"  sez  I,  butt 

watt  ar  they  gonna  open?" 

"Their  eyes,"  he  sez,  "an'  lamp  the  wurks  uv  art." 
"Awl  rite,"  sez  I,  "Me  an'  Kit  will  be  Johnnie  on  the 

spot,  but  hoo  else  iz  gowin  ?" 

"The  hull  bunch,"  he  sez ;  "besides  me  an'  yew  an'  Kit 
thare  will  bee  Jerkey  Joe,  Tomato  Tom,  Hen  Slitzen- 
berger,  Dago  Doozer,  Enchalada  Ed,  Tanrantula  Tim, 
Mike  McGeary  an'  his  gurl,  Nannie  Nokomis." 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


61 


Sew  that  nite  I  washt  upp  good  an'  klene  an'  kald  fer 
Kit,  an'  b'leve  me  she  wuz  drest  upp  tew.  She  had  on  a 
klene  dress  an'  wore  hur  shoes  and  stockins.  Shez  war- 
ing hur  dresses  longer  now,  thay  kum  down  neerlie  tew 


A  Pitchur  uv  a  Lott  uv  Rubbish  inn  a  Alley 

hur  neez,  butt  doan  hav  know  slitz  inn  them,  she  sez  that 
kind  ar  2  kool  inn  Wintur.  Ennyhow  we  goze  an'  when 
we  gitz  thare  the  bunch  is  waiting  fur  us  at  the  dore  and 
we  awl  sashayes  inn  tugether.  Thare  iz  a  lot  uv  peepul 
thare  and  the  rooms  are  lit  upp  as  brite  as  day.  We  saw 
sum  purty  good  pitchurz  an'  sum  that  I  wudden  hang  in 
ower  koal  shedd,  fer  instunce  thare  wuz  a  pitchur  of  a 


62 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


lott  uv  tin  canz,  an'  old  boots  an'  ashes  an'  rubbish  inn  a 
alley.  Shucks,  I  see  that  stuff  down  in  Clabber  Alley 
every  day.  Then  thar  wuz  a  pitchur  of  a  ole  kow  with 


A  Pitchur  uv  a   Ole  Cow 

soar  eyes  an'  ribs  a  showing  an'  2  week  tew  stand.  I 
seen  lots  bettur  kows  than  that  inn  Wild  Kat  Chute.  But 
the  onneryist  pitchur  uv  the  hull  bunch  wuz  a  mezely 
dawg  chasin'  a  poor  kat.  Both  wuz  wurse  lookin'  than 
enny  I  ever  seen  in  Sleapy  Hollow.  An'  wot  I  wants 
tew  no  iz  why  they  make  pitchurz  of  treez  an'  ole  rodes 
an'  hilz.  We  kin  jist  gow  hafe  a  mile  outcide  uv  town 


AND  OTHER  STUFF 


63 


an'  sea  ded  lodes  uv  such  things.     Hawsumevur  thare 
wuz  sum  swel  wuns. 


"Givin*  Hur  Big  Tow  a  Foot  Bath" 


Furst  thare  wuz  a  pitchur  uv  a  swel  dame  kald  Sep- 
tember mourn,  I  gess  she  lost  hur  kloze  cawz  she  didden' 
hav  mine,  an'  she  lookt  kold,  inn  fackt  itt  makes  peepul 
shiver  tew  look  att  hur. 


64  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

Then  thare  wuz  anuther  wun  drest  the  same  way,  only 
moar  sew,  ennyhow  neethur  had  anything  on  the  uther. 
This  wun  wuz  settin'  down  on  the  bear  groun'  bye  a 
lake  an'  she  wuz  givin'  her  big  tow  a  foot  bath.  Wun 
ole  womun  necks  tew  mee  sez  "Aint  that  scanlus?  the 
bear  fase  thing,"  butt  her  ole  man  buttz  in  an'  sez 
"Waddja  mene,  bear  FASE,  wot's  the  matter  with  the 
REST  OF  HUR?"  Ennyhow  they  boath  peekt  sideways 
at  hur  fur  a  long  time. 

Then  we  sashayed  along  lookiir  fur  sum  uther  kind 
butt  neerlie  awl  inn  that  room  wuz  jest  like  'em,  only 
diffrunt,  sum  peepul  sed  it  wuz  their  poaz,  whatevur 
that  is,  but  I  didden'  sea  nuthin'  on  'em,  sew  I  gess  if  thay 
wore  a  poaz  thay  lost  itt. 

Hen  Slitzenberger  sed  a  poaz  wuz  sumthing  thay  held 
their  stockins  upp  with  an'  I  sed  thay  ot  tew  ware  sum- 
thing  besides  stockins  evun  if  itt  wuzent  enny thing  moar 
than  a  sad  eckspreshun. 

A  gink  neer  me  wuz  chewing  the  rag  with  his  wife,  I 
cudden  here  wot  she  sez  butt  he  sez  "come  off"  an'  she 
repliez  "knot  here,"  sew  thay  musta  bin  tawkin'  'bout 
her  kloz  2. 

Kit  sed  shede  rathur  sea  sum  wimmin  with  pirty  kloze 
on  sew  we  went  inn  2  the  neckst  room  an'  thare  thay 
wuz.  Thay  didden'  have  kloze  awl  ovur  butt  sum  uv 
them  had  'em  frum  the  liver  pad  down.  Pasadena  Pete 
sed  that  wuz  full  dress  butt  I  gess  he  wuz  joakin'.  Ta- 
rantula Tim  herd  him  an'  sed :  "Back  upp,  nun  uv  yew 
no  wot  Sosiety  kloze  is,  wy,"  he  sez ;  "that's  evenin' 
dress."  Then  Enchalada  Ed  gitz  bizzy  an'  sez  : 

"If  that's  evenin'  dress  its  fur  purty  late  in  the  evenin'. 
Good  nite." 

Then  we  saw  a  big  brute  uv  a  man  in  prizen  stripes  an' 


AND   OTHER  STUFF 


65 


Tomato  Tom  sez  hez  a  murdurur.     "A  murdurur,"  sez 
Kit,  "why  dew  thay  make  a  pitchur  of  him?" 

"Coz,"   sez   Tomato,   "so,  thay  kin  hang  him  an'   the 
pitchnr  awl  inn  wun. 

Ures  trooley, 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


They   didden'    have  klose  awl  over 


66  WILLIE  WICKH AM 

WILLIE   WICKHAM 

cAs  a  Student 

Yew  ot  tew  seen  mea  att  skool.  I  jest  started  inn. 
Wun  day  Hen  Slitzenburger  sed,  "Letts  gow  tew  skool 
Gink,  an'  lern  sumthing." 

"Shucks,"  I  sed,  "wat  kin  a  kid  lern?  there  aint 
nobuddy  az  kin  lern  mea  nuthin'." 

"Yer  ded  rong,"  sez  Hen,  "Thay  lern  yew  tew  spel 
and  rite  an'  a  lot  uv  things." 

"But  wot  good  doz  itt  dew?"  sez  I,  "itt  doan  by  yew 
nuthin'." 

"Kum  an'  sea,"  sez  he,  "I'm  goin',  enny  how  we  kin 
hav  a  lott  uv  fun,  thare  ar  a  hull  lott  uv  boys  an'  gurls 
thare." 

"That's  diffrunt,"  sez  I,  "if  thare's  enny  fun  goin'  on 
count  me  inn.  When  yew  goin'  ?" 

"Tumorrer,"  he  sez.  "meat  mea  at  Paul  Piperz  Pie 
Palace  in  Clabber  Alley  at  half  past  ate  an'  He  take  yew." 

Sew  that's  how  mea  an'  Hen  kumz  tew  gow  to  skool, 
butt  b'leve  mea  wun  day  wuz  nuf  fur  all  boath  uv  us. 
Wood  yew  b'lieve  it  the  teecher  hurself  dident  no  nuthin', 
shea  wuz  moar  ignerent  than  Dago  Doozer,  while  Jerkey 
Joe  haz  gott  hur  beat  a  mile.  Wy  de  furst  rattul  out 
uv  the  box  she  kummenced  tew  ask  kwestshuns,  tried  tew 
find  outt  everything  de  kids  new.  She  askt  me  what 
four  times  ate  wuz  an'  I  wooden  tel  hur,  then  she  gott 
soar  an'  sed  I  dident  no.  I  sed  I  did  no  but  diddent  kiim 
thare  tew  tell  awl  I  new  butt  tew  lern  sumthing.  Aftur 


AND  OTHER  STUFF  67 

that  she  gives  me  the  wunst  ovur  an'  asks  Hen  wot  twice 
tree  times  sicks  iz  an'  he  sez  "sevun." 

"Verry  good,"  she  sez,  jest  az  tho  she  new  it  awl  the 
time. 

"Now  spel  kat,"  she  sez. 

"K-a-t,"  sez  Hen. 

"Rite  agen,"  she  sez,  "Yewl  make  a  fine  skollar  sum 
day." 

Then  she  asks  a  hull  lot  moar  kwestshuns  ov  the  uther 
kids  an'  b  4  skool  wuz  out  she  had  lernt  a  hull  lott. 

Jest  b  4  skool  wuz  out  she  tride  to  lern  summing 
frum  mea. 

" Whare  is  the  North  poal  ?"  she  sez. 

I  thot  Ide  tel  hur  sew  I  sez,  "on  the  uther  side  uv  the 
south  poal." 

"Rite,"  she  sez,  "but  how  dew  yew  no?  did  yew  ever 
sea  itt?" 

"Know,"  sez  I,  "but  I  pusht  it  thru  the  erth. 

"Don't  git  gay,"  she  sez,  "yew  are  fired." 

"Zat  sew?"  sez  I,  "who  kares?" 

"Jest  fur  that,"  she  sez,  "yew  stay  aftur  skool,  take 
your  seat." 

"Whare  shall  I  take  itt?"  sez  I. 

"Yew  impudint  boy,"  she  sez  an'  truns  a  ink  bottul  at 
me  butt  itt  mist  me  an'  hitts  a  cholly  boy  in  the  lamp  an' 
he  wood  a  had  a  black  eye  only  itt  wuz  red  ink. 

I  thot  it  was  time  for  mea  to  make  myself  scarce  sew  I 
ducks  an'  wates  on  the  outcide  fur  Hen,  Purty  sune  he 
kums  out  b  4  skool  iz  over. 

" Wot's  the  idee,  Hen  ?"  sez  I,  "why  out  sew  sune  ?" 

"O,"  sez  he,  "the  dame's  dippy,  jest  becoz  I  spelt  hog 
p-i-g  she  sed  'Yew  are  ex  spelled.'  ' 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


68  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

WILLIE   WICKHAM 

As  a  Literary  Critic 

Who  writes  "Mary  Pickferd's  Daley  Tawks,"  or  Ella 
Wheeler  Wilcoxis  Pomes  an'  "Wurds  uv  Wizdum"  ? 

Wy,  there  aint  know  10  men  or  wimmin  livin'  wot 
kud  wright  sew  mutch  stuff  as  yew  sea  inn  thee  daly 
papurs  with  hur  naim  tew  itt.  Shee  must  hire  a  lott  uv 
talunt  to  satusfy  the  demand  4  literatoor  with  hur  naim 
tew  itt.  An'  hoo  evur  new  that  Mary  Pickferd  had  sew 
mutch  sence?  Wy,  shea  noze  moren  enny  editur,  if  all 
that  bunk  in  the  papurz  iz  reely  hern,  but  weather  itt  iz 
or  knot  itt  wooden  seam  sew  good  if  the  reader  got  wise 
that  the  cub  reporter  terned  itt  out  fer  ten  persent  uv 
the  selling  price.  I  gess  knot. 

Ennyhow  awl  yew  gott  2  dew  tew  gett  big  monie  fur 
yure  naim  to  peaces  in  the  papurs  iz  two  bee  a  base  bawl 
batter,  a  prize  fighter  or  any  other  kind  uv  gink  who 
kuts  a  wide  swath  to  gett  talkt  about.  Don't  matter  if 
he  kant  spell  his  oan  naim.  The  stuff  that  kums  out  in 
the  papurs  reeds  like  thee  wurks  uv  Emrrrerson  or  Car 
Lile.  An'  just  becoz  a  doctur  inn  Shekowgow  woodent 
opperS  on  a  kid  sew  itt  wood  liv  hee  is  boath  a  movie 
pitchur  star  and  a  grate  awe  thur  at  a  1000  per.  Oh,  its 
grate  to  bee  a  fule  so  long  az  yew  Jean  get  the  wize  guy 
without  a  naim  uv  hiz  oan  to  idew  yure  wurk  att  a  low 
price  just  sew  yew  gett  the  big  cjbugh  fur  yure  naim. 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  69 

WILLIE    WICKHAM 
On   Water 

Water  Sketches  By  D.  LOGAN 

Sum  peepul  havunt  got  no  good  wurd  fur  water,  fer 
instance  there  iz  Irksome  Ike,  the  uthur  day  az  we  wuz 
waukin's  down  Tango  Terrace,  he  sez,  lamping  Aligator 
krik  whare  itt  emties  intew  Sloppy  Slough,  "I  hait  the 
site  uv  watur,  I  doan  sea  wot  itt  wuz  maid  4,  except  4 
a  chaser.  As  fur  drinking,  wy  thare  iz  milk  an'  sider  an' 
beer  an'  wine."  "Shure,"  sez  I,  "I  gess  peepul  cud  get 
along  without  it  so  long  as  drinking  is  consumed,  butt 
how  about  washing  yerself  an'  yer  klose,  an'  the  dishez?" 

"Aw,  what  did  Adam  an'  Eve  wash  thair  klose  with?" 
sez  he.  "Didunt  hav  nuf  klose  tew  wash,  an  wee  aint 
know  better'n  Adam  an'  Eve."  "Awl  the  same,"  sez  I, 
"Adam  found  the  watur  purty  gude  tew  fish  inn,  an'  Eve 
found  it  handy  for  the  fambly  wash,  evun  ef  they  didunt 
have  mutch  kloze  them  daze,  an'  bye  the  way  sum  uv 
the  wimmin  uv  today  wood  jest  az  leaf  dress  in  the  old 
way  now  if  it  wuz  the  stile,  an'  sum  if  it  wuzzent." 

"Awl  the  same,"  sez  he,  "peepul  in  the  Garden  of 
Eden  got  along  sum  way." 

"Righto,"  sez  I,  "but  they  diddunt  have  wine  an'  beer 
an'  milk  tew  drink,  diddunt  thay  have  tew  stand  fer 
watur?" 

"What  about  the  kokonut?"  sez  he. 

"Nuthin  but  the  shell,"  sez  I,  "that's  awl  there  iz  about 


70 


WILLIE  WICKHAM 


A  Poor  Railroad  Maggot 


AND   OTHER  STUFF  71 

"Praps  yew  think  that's  a  joak,"  he  sez,  "but  ennyhow 
I"m  down  on  watur." 

"But  at  that,"  sez  I,  I  sez,  "you  cloan  run  itt  down  az 
you  dew  booze." 

"Kwityerkidden,"  he  sez,  "booze  is  awl  rite  inn  its 
place." 

"That's  inn  yewr  stummick,"  sez  I,  an'  he  laffs. 

Jest  then  Hen  Slitzenburger  kumz  long  an  sez:  "Wat 
yew  2  ginks  a  chewin'  the  rag  'bout?"  sez  he,  an'  I  putts 
him  wize. 

"Watur?"  sez  he,  "watur?  wy  that's  awl  tew  the  mus- 
tard, wy,  if  itt  wuzzent  fer  watur  I  cuddent  take  a  bath 
ev'ry  month  an'  me  fase  wood  git  purty  durty." 

"Yeah,"  chips  in  Irksome  Ike,  "ef  it  vvuzent  fur  watur 
whare  wood  wee  git  ower  rivurs  and  kriks  an'  lakes  an' 
oshuns?  an'  how  cud  we  gow  bote  ridin'  an'  saleing? 
Thats  wot  I  wan  2  no." 

"Pu  shaw,"  sez  Hen,  "we  dont  half  2,  we  kan  ride 
on  the  jitney  buss  fur  a  jitney,  wot  moar  due  yew  want?" 

I  seen  as  how  thoze  2  ginks  kant  agrea  sew  I  butts  in 
an  sez  "yew  are  boath  rong,  watur  aint  know  gude  fur 
ennything  butt  drinkin'  an  washin',  an  the  jitney  buss 
iz  a  interloapur,  coz  itt  takes  lotts  uv  traid  aweight  from 
the  poor  trolley  kar  kompaniz,  an'  purty  sune  ef  thare 
gitz  tew  bee  menny  moar  jitney  busiz  the  poor  rale  rode 
maggots  will  hav  2  gow  out  uv  biznez  an'  they  will  bee 
lucky  tew  git  ennything  az  strong  az  watur  2  drink." 

"Kum  awf,"  sez  Ike,  "awl  they  kneed  2  dew  iz  tew 
watur  thair  stock." 

"They  haint  got  know  stock,"  sez  Hen,  "thair  karz  ar 
awl  puld  bye  lecktricitie  an'  that  doan  drink." 


72  WILLIE  WICKHAM 

"Dew  yew  think  them  maggots  wants  thair  papur  tew 
get  wet?"  sez  Hen. 

"Know,"  sez  Ike,  "but  them  jitney  buzziz  will  soke  em 
awl  rite." 

"Well,"  sez  Hen,  "thairs  Tomato  Tom,  hee  wunt  ride 
on  know  jitney  buss,  hee  sez  hiz  vegtabul  waggin  is  gude 
enuf  fer  him,  th'  uther  day  howsumevur  he  cumz  a  cross 
mike  McGeary's  old  man  on  the  watur  waggin  an'  in- 
vited him  to  have  wun  on  him,  butt  McGeary  sez  as 
how  heez  on  the  ole  waggin  to  stay  an'  aint  goin'  tew 
fall  awf  no  moar,  sew  u  sea,  sed  Hen  heza  frend  of 
watur."  "That's  awl  rite,"  sez  I,  buttin  inn,  "I  like  tew 
sea  a  guy  stand  up  fer  watur,  butt  I  doant  beleeve  in 
runnin'  down  all  uthur  licker,  cause  watur  is  a  idle 
thing  whereas  uther  kinds  uv  licker  wurks." 

"Wot  kind  wurks?"  asks  Tomato  Tom,  who  jest  cumz 
upp. 

"Wy,  sider  wurks,"  sez  I,  "  'an  ginger  pops." 

"Yeah,  an'  what  ales  the  beer?"  sez  Hen,  an'  wee  awl 
lafs  at  the  joak. 

"Know  kiddin,"  sez  Hen,  "watur  aint  lazie,  wy,  yew 
kin  gow  down  to  the  rezervoy  enny  day  an'  sea  how  the 
watur  wurks." 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  "an'  the  river  runs." 

"That  aint  awl,"  sez  Tomato  Tom,  "even  the  foun- 
tains play,  the  oshun  roars  and  the  billows  leap." 

"Wait  a  minit,"  says  Doozer,  shashaying  along,  "havent 
yew  ever  herd  uv  the  singing  brook  an'  the  laffing  watur  ?" 

"That's  got  nuthin  tew  dew  with  wurking,"  sez  I. 

"Yes,  it  doz,"  sez  he,  "don't  itt  wurk  on  yewr  imag- 
inashun?  Now  take  a  tumble." 

"Not  mee,"  sez  I,  "let  the  watur  fall." 

Farewell,  this  iz  awl. 

WILLIE  WICKHAM. 


"I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF"  is  the  title  of  a  humorous 
book,  alleged  or  otherwise,  which  has  just  escaped  from 
the  press.  It  is  by  M.  E.  (F.  Weber  Benton),  teems 
with  freaky  cartoons  as  silly  as  the  text  and  is  said  to 
have  "Pigs  is  Hogs"  skinned,  as  also  ''Helen's  Kinds," 
"Venus  and  Adonis"  and  such  like  junk. 

Unlike  these,  however,  it  is  absolutely  original  even  to 
the  price — 25  cents  in  paper  cover  or  four  bits  in  cloth. 
Should  be  double  that.  Order  a  copy,  read  it,  and  then 
send  it  to  your  worst  enemy  In  ordering  don't  forget  to 
enclose  the  Kash — or  Koin  if  you  prefer,  even  stamps 
will  be  accepted  if  not  kancelled. 

SEMI-TROPIC  PUBLISHING  CO. 
Grant  Bldg.  Los  Angeles,  Cal. 


FREAK    FUN 


Fresh   from   the 

FUNOgRAF 
VRESS 

In   Three   Spasms 


THE   BIOGRAFICAL   B1OG   OF    MR.   A.   LOONEY   TIQUE 

By   Lord   Helpim    (F.    Weber   Benton) 

Very,  very  funny  Heap  many  pictures 

Price  (marked  down)  postpaid,  25  cents  (except  in  Mexico) 

Address 

SEMI-TROPIC   PUBLISHING   CO., 
Grant   Bldg.,   Los  Angeles,   Cal. 


BILL 


WILL  WTTNER'S 

BUSINESS  BITE 

By   "Bill"   Between  Bites 
(F.   Weber   Benton) 

Being  an  expose  of  the  fast  and 
furious  feeding  of  the  face  and  mod 
durn  methods  of  the  up-to-date  Dairy 
Lunch.  All  for  own-ly  25  paltry 
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State  whether  wanted  by  mail  or  fe- 
male. Send  money  (your  own  if 
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Remember,    only    25    sense 
Write   TO-DAY,    tomorrow   you   may   not    need   it 

SEMI-TROPIC  PUBLISHING  CO., 
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Why  a  Chicken  Crosses  the  Road 

By  A.   Hennery,  per  Simmons    (F.   Weber  Benton) 


Discovered — Why   a  Chicken  Crosses   the  Road 

The  silliest  book  since  the  days  of  Emerson  or  Shortfellow. 
Filosofically  elucidates  concerning  the  motives  that  prompt  the 
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the  opposite  side  of  the  thoroughfare.  Poultry  pictures  a 
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SEMI-TROPIC  PUBLISHING  CO., 
Grant   Bldg.,   Los   Angeles,   Cal. 


^Authors'  Manual 

A  NEW  WORK 

By 

F.  WEBER  BENTON 
For    Professional    and    Amateur    Authors 


The  above  is  the  title  of  a  new  work  containing  a  vast  amount 
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No  writer,  no  matter  how   far  advanced,   should  be  without   it. 
Mailed  postpaid  on  receipt  of  price,   25   cents. 


Semi-Tropic  Publishing   Company 

Grant  Bldg.,  Los  Angeles,  Cal. 


Reproductions  of 

Original  Hand  Illumin- 
ated Mottoes  and 
Poems 


of 


F.  Weber  Benton 


Especially  adaptable   for 
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A    PERFECT    DAY 
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Semi-Tropic  Publishing  Co. 

316  Grant  Bldg.  Los  Angeles,  Cal. 


SEMI  -  TROPIC 
CALIFORNIA 

THE  GARDEN  OF  THE  WORLD 


By  F.  Weber  Benton 


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316  Grant  Bldg.  Los  Angeles,  Cal. 


Semi-Tropic 

California 


The  Only  All  Color  Magazine 


Edited  by  F.  WEBER  BENTON     . 
Devoted  to 

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A  Work  of  Art  and  a  Souvenir  of  Wonderland 


SEMI-TROPIC  PUBLISHING  CO. 
Grant  Building  Los  Angeles,  Cal. 


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UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


